Listen up, folks, here comes the Feature Presentation

Alright, everyone, I know I'm wearing thin on your patience here, but we have a lot to cover before you can even think about me leaving you alone.

First and foremost, the location of your friends. Yes, yes, you like them a lot and don't want them to die, blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it. Suffice it to say, they are safely in orbit of a nearby planet and if our demands are not met within the next 27 hours, "other" Master and I will project them into space. We will, of course, be monitoring their location and there will still be a chance for you to get them back before we send them through the rift to drift endlessly through the void.


Top of the list is money. Don't pretend you haven't got any, I've been through your finances and I'm sure you can scrape together a few hundred thousand universal units. (Your Sophie is so organized, isn't she?) I know this will probably cancel your precious project and wipe out any funds you have as individuals, but isn't it worth it to get back your husband and your girlfriend?

OM and I agreed to ask for an island in the Caribbean, but I don't think that's possible. In lieu of an island, we are willing to accept this planet. Please contact the Intergalactic Space Tourism Association and inform them that Venus is no longer an option for their pathetic little campaigns. Then send the deed of rights to the planet to me.

Thirdly, Doctor. Your coat.
In our world, you are dead. You died for some useless world-saving reason, leaving the Master to fend for himself. He was captured by Torchwood (as was I, while trying to take down the Intergalactic Space Tourism Center from the inside). When we found ourselves in the holding cells below Cardiff, we teamed up to break out. All members of Torchwood were killed, including Jack (which is why I have your coat) and the organization ceased to exist. Now to add to my collection of trench coats, I want yours. Yes, I know Janis Joplin gave it to you and you really like it, but I don't care.

Fourth, and this one will be tough, OM demanded that I add you to our list of demands. I know this will be sad for you to leave your friends, but my Master is just as nice as yours, and you'll like me more once you get to know me. Maybe.
Besides, you'll get to keep your TARDIS, because it's next. Those wires I crossed? That twisted circuit? Well, if you don't hand over the TARDIS keys pretty soon, your beloved ship will fully self destruct.


Best of luck filling our order. I am in a safe place now, but OM is still around and he'll remind you if you forget.
Ta ta for now!