Biding Time

Hello everyone, you may have noticed that I have not been on here for a while. I have been quite busy doing...well nothing as I do not have a job and can't cross my own time stream, therefore not able to go outside without wearing a sweltering disguise. Another reason though is the Master has finally stopped hogging the computer which he has been playing solitaire on for the last couple of weeks (he can't seem to figure out how to do anything else on it...) He now has moved on to a new fascination...the air vents. I mean really Master you are as bad as having mice in the walls.
Sophie has been doing a great job of keeping me calm when I get anxious and claustraphobic being trapped in this apartement (with the Master) but hopefully Torchwood One answers my letters very soon otherwise I just might go insane.

The Missing Crewmembers

Just a quick note to update you all. You may have noticed that Jack and the Doctor have not been on the blog since we landed. The Doctor is extremely excited, having landed a job in a childrens toy shop, and is constantly bringing home broken toys to try and fix with his sonic screwdriver, which makes him far too busy to post on the internet.
Jack is still not permitted to leave the apartment building, but he has written to Torchwood One, explaining the necessary details and applying for a job. In the meantime, he has been very helpful around the house. He is currently in the kitchen starting on dinner and packing a lunch for the Doctor. (I swear, it's like living with a regular family! The Doctor and the Master are like small children--the former, a six-year-old ecstatic at his first day of school. The latter, a younger child, jealous that he is too young (or in this case, too dangerous) for school. I guess that makes Jack and me the parents?)
Oh, dear. The Master seems to have gotten the cat lodged in the ventilation shafts again. I think he's trying to convert her into one of his little minions. Luckily, Marie is too clever for that.

The Ventilation Obfuscation

Last night I awoke sometime around two or three in the morning to hear a horrifying sound. It was a cross between a dying chipmunk, someone trying to gnaw through sheet metal, and what the Master refers to as his "tricky noise". (read as: a muffled snicker he thinks the rest of us can't hear)
I got up to investigate this terrifying sound--armed with a small Molotov cocktail I happen to have saved for emergencies--prepared to deal with a serial killer or other horror-movie-esque intruder. What did I find? The Master, in an attempt find a way in and out of the flat without being seen, had crawled into one of the air ducts in the ceiling and gotten himself jammed inside it. I had to use a blow torch from the at-home lab to get him out. (Although I was tempted to leave him there until a more reasonable hour, or possibly several days)

Day 5

As you can see, today is Day 5 of Living with Anomalies of the Time Stream (LATS)
Today I was flipping through a cookbook trying to find a recipe for dinner when the Master popped up asking where I kept the explosives. When I told him we didn't have any, he demanded why not. I explained that most levels of explosives are illegal, or can only be purchased with a license. After a long and frustrating conversation, he discovered that I do, in fact, own a license for such explosives. He was very surprised, and after a moment or two of stunned silence he demanded I go out and acquire some. After another equally long and frustrating discussion, we reached the conclusion that I would buy one small explosive if he made dinner.
Suffice it to say, I came home to find that dinner was explosive.
The Master has officially been banned from the kitchen.

Note to self

Humans: what is thier deal? why do they look like time lords? must research. where can one acquire a human? must consult internet, source of all knowledge.

also: update notes re: threat assessment of kittens. they may be a greater danger than previously thought.

Hello Again!

Well, if you read this blog I assume you already know how we got back to London, Britain, Earth, Universe whatnot. Anyhow! We got back, went through irritation and are now at Sophie's flat. I really wish I'd memorized more phone numbers, because I really can't reach anyone useful. Oh well. Right now I'm taking advantage of the normal life to try it out, the life that is. The normal life. An ordinary life. Hahah, this is so fun! We started watching TV shows, and now we have movie nights! Its so brilliant.
Also right now I have a job as an ice cream truck driver. I was aiming for manager of the museum of London, but I got sidetracked and through a bit of an interesting adventure I got the previously mentioned job. Its a bit unfortunate though, having been trap- living on Venus for, well, I lost track of time really. Anyways, now that we're back its all kitten-this and nannerpuss-that, and oh is that a hobo eating a baby how very interesting humans are.

I do so love Earth, oh how I missed it.

Back to Earth....Literally

Hello everyone! Sorry we've been so long. Unfortunately have been removed from the Venus Project due to the Gender Bender problem. Also, it turns out I was supposed to be working on the Venus Project alone, so Jack, the Doctor and the Master were staying in the Venus Research Center illegally. (even though they were fully self-sustained by the TARDIS)
En route from Venus to London, the TARDIS accidentally landed in Nevada, USA. After a good few days of frightening the locals, US government officials arrived and we were promptly sent to Area 51 for ''documentation''. Once convinced that none of us were illegal immigrants, aliens, or in any way exceptional (a complete and total lie) they released us and sent us back to Britain. However, the TARDIS was held for research. When they discovered the TARDIS was impossible to break into, it was supposed to be shipped to my flat in London. Instead, it is somewhere in Canada, travelling unaccompanied. Thank you, US postal service.
Now we are all crammed into my two-bedroom flat. The Master and Doctor share one room (sleeping on the floor until we can get another bed) and Jack and I share the other. So far we have survived one day living like this. I cook, clean, and generally take care of the upkeep of the flat. Jack keeps giving me puppy dog eyes because I won't let him leave the apartment because he's crossed his own timestream and we can't risk him running into his past self, who is currently running Torchwood Three.
The Doctor is trying to realize his greatest dream: living an ordinary life. He wants to work in a shop. So far all his applications have been rejected due to lack of real references. He tries to help with the cooking and cleaning, but keeps getting distracted by loose light bulbs, dripping faucets and Mrs. Next Doors new kitten. He has also fallen in love with several soap operas.
The Master hasn't even tried to get a job, and is instead lounging around the house, basking in his unemployed glory.
I don't know how much longer I can survive this.

SOPHIIIIEEEEE!!!

I'm on earth. FML.

:C  <-- this is what my face looks like right now. BECAUSE IM ON EARTH. There are humans everywhere.

Gender Bender

Hello everyone! Sorry for the long break there. Just after Valentines Day there was an...er...incident in the lab involving the Master and (not unexpectedly) a potential Weapon of Mass Destruction. Surprisingly, no one was injured...although I'm sure several egos have been bruised. The Master happened upon a Laser Beam DNA Extrapolator (I know the name may not make sense...there's a long complicated story behind it that involves the asymptote of the speed of light, the Pythagorean Theorem (multiplied to the power of XYN) and a back entrance to the Time Vortex). The Master somehow misinterpreted my "DO NOT TOUCH, MASTER THIS MEANS YOU!" sign on the vault in the lab, "accidentally" picked the fourteen locks and hacked into the DNA recognition system (designed to keep him OUT) and "just so happened" to find the Extrapolator. What it is designed to do is scan a life form, determine its DNA and calculate its origins and all available information about it without any physical contact. It is completely harmless to any creature but needs frequent testing (hence the Lava Shark--we know little about their species, so when it finally works, it will set multiple scientific breathroughs into motion with one discovery!)
The Master broke into the lab late at night, poked around in the settings for a bit, then set it off (really by accident this time). It stayed on until early this morning, when I heard the battery alarm beeping to be recharged.
We noticed its effects about a week ago, when everyone woke up as the opposite physical gender as they were when they went to sleep the night before. This has become extremely awkward, as the Doctor is very hormonal and confused, whereas the Master has entirely embraced this new change and has taken to dressing suggestively and acting in a promiscuous manner, claiming that he is merely "learning to use his feminine charms". Jack is mostly indifferent about his own new body, but is enjoying the perks that come with being female.
(Get your minds out of the gutter...Jack's new favorite store is Sephora.)
The Master is surprisingly small--even for a girl--and the Doctor is unusually tall. Somehow the Masters hair grew much longer, and looks as though it has been professionally styled. I don't know how this happened, seeing as the Doctors hair is only a few inches longer than it was before and is not very flattering (sorry, but there it is. Maybe with some gel or something it will look better.)
We'll continue to post on this unusual development soon. For now, we have some shopping to do. While I have three closets to choose from, its a little tough for three so different..."girls" to choose from my limited wardrobe.

Valentines on Venus

As most of you may know (depending on your species and culture) Monday the fourteenth of February was the ancient Earth tradition known as Saint Valentines Day, when it is traditional to show your appreciation towards loved ones.

Since all of us had been separated for so long, this Valentine's day was spent reconnecting and bonding to make up for missed time. Jack and I made up after our fight (induced by that--by Other Sophie.)
The Doctor and the Master spent the day out somewhere while Jack and I stayed in and cooked pasta over an old-fashioned bunsen burner in the lab.

To keep up the mood, I organized an office Match Maker using an Old-Earth computer program. The results arrived this morning and everyone opened their envelopes to find a most unusual combination of potential "matches". Jack somehow managed to be first on everyone's list, how I can't imagine. The Master and I are supposedly a perfect match, and the Doctor is apparently destined to be with the Lava Shark (who has successfully learned general English! S/he catches on quickly--although we haven't determined h/is/er gender yet...)
In conclusion, a Happy Valentines to you all, and to all a good night!

Listen up, folks, here comes the Feature Presentation

Alright, everyone, I know I'm wearing thin on your patience here, but we have a lot to cover before you can even think about me leaving you alone.

First and foremost, the location of your friends. Yes, yes, you like them a lot and don't want them to die, blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it. Suffice it to say, they are safely in orbit of a nearby planet and if our demands are not met within the next 27 hours, "other" Master and I will project them into space. We will, of course, be monitoring their location and there will still be a chance for you to get them back before we send them through the rift to drift endlessly through the void.


Top of the list is money. Don't pretend you haven't got any, I've been through your finances and I'm sure you can scrape together a few hundred thousand universal units. (Your Sophie is so organized, isn't she?) I know this will probably cancel your precious project and wipe out any funds you have as individuals, but isn't it worth it to get back your husband and your girlfriend?

OM and I agreed to ask for an island in the Caribbean, but I don't think that's possible. In lieu of an island, we are willing to accept this planet. Please contact the Intergalactic Space Tourism Association and inform them that Venus is no longer an option for their pathetic little campaigns. Then send the deed of rights to the planet to me.

Thirdly, Doctor. Your coat.
In our world, you are dead. You died for some useless world-saving reason, leaving the Master to fend for himself. He was captured by Torchwood (as was I, while trying to take down the Intergalactic Space Tourism Center from the inside). When we found ourselves in the holding cells below Cardiff, we teamed up to break out. All members of Torchwood were killed, including Jack (which is why I have your coat) and the organization ceased to exist. Now to add to my collection of trench coats, I want yours. Yes, I know Janis Joplin gave it to you and you really like it, but I don't care.

Fourth, and this one will be tough, OM demanded that I add you to our list of demands. I know this will be sad for you to leave your friends, but my Master is just as nice as yours, and you'll like me more once you get to know me. Maybe.
Besides, you'll get to keep your TARDIS, because it's next. Those wires I crossed? That twisted circuit? Well, if you don't hand over the TARDIS keys pretty soon, your beloved ship will fully self destruct.


Best of luck filling our order. I am in a safe place now, but OM is still around and he'll remind you if you forget.
Ta ta for now!

Running away in designer stilettos beats leaving your insurance

Doctor, you might want to check on the TARDIS soon. Who knows what happens when you press that big mauve button labeled DO NOT TOUCH in the basement, hmm? I do!
Not to mention the sparks that flew when I crossed the white wire with the purple one under the engine. By the way, the huge crack in the glass column was not on purpose. See, I was using the heel of my shoe (the tall black boots) to hold one of the spring loaded levers in place while I rewired the dashboard and the little gray dial spun a few of the green gears in the wrong direction when I wasn't looking. I was busy making sure the pistons on the other side of the console weren't sparking against the compressors and causing an explosion. You should be thanking me, really.
I reached over to turn them back, but I miscalculated the move and the lever sprung back. This, of course, caused the fragment links to jump and the TARDIS to fall out of sync with the vortex for a moment. (Your next ride might be a bit bumpy!) Anyways, when it hit the vortex again, it collided with itself at a previous point in the timestream which, as you very well know, immediately caused a paradox. (Sorry about that big burn on the outside; I did so love the blue paint.) To keep itself in existence, the ship briefly became a paradox machine. This essentially caused the TARDIS to bite a chunk out of itself, and all the lights to turn red and the whole ship shake. I managed to slam the lever back down before any further damage was sustained. After the wires were back in place (although they are now in a slightly different arrangement than they were before, the consequences of which you should find out quite soon!) I took the spring out of the lever. It slides out of place more often now, so you may have to tape put tape on it to keep it in position when you're flying.
Don't accuse me of not taking the blame--I'm sending you this, aren't I? Just like that custom of leaving a note with name and insurance when you've accidentally caused damage to a parked vehicle. Anyways, those were designer shoes. The damage caused to the heels will be hard to reverse. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to repair such rare Plutonian suede? Especially on stilettos as thin as those. They were in a very rare color, too!
Besides, I'm sure you'll have fun fixing the TARDIS; it should be quite a challenge! Enjoy!

Changes in people

You know, of late the Master and Sophie have been acting a bit strangely. It started about 5 days ago, and that was about when they returned from Christmas shopping. The Master returned wearing what looked like a dirtier version of my coat, and an actual suit! Sophie stopped her research, and has been closer to the Master lately. It must be the power of Christmas! I remember the first time I met old Saint Nick, he was a rather lovely person. It was me who gave him those Deinturans. They looked identical to reindeer at the time...

Hmmm.
Anyways, when they returned, the Master looked completely stunned, and he rushed over and hugged me like he hadn't seen me in years. It was adorable, but Sophie seemed rather displeased. The Master has been much more calm and disciplined since, and always seems to have me in sight. I swear I won't look for your present! Jack hasn't been around much, I don't really know what's going on between him and Sophie at the moment though, so I haven't asked either of them yet. They seem to be avoiding each other.

Now I have to think about what to get everyone for the Holidays.

Oh, Doctor, you are not good at lying...

Today the Doctor suggested that he, the Master, and I should all go swimming as a "fun social activity". He then (conspicuously, I might add,) pretended to realize he had something else to do at the very last minute, leaving the Master and I by ourselves to "bond and socialize".

The Master had an excellent time terrorizing many of the small children in the pool, and laughing every time he tried to show off. He had quite the competition going with himself--how deep could he dive, how long could he hold his breath, et cetera. He tried to convince me to join in these contests, but I politely declined.
This led to the two of us spending half an hour sitting at the edge of the pool in silence. It was mildly awkward, which the Master felt the need to point out multiple times to anyone who walked by the lab after we returned.
Doctor, I hope you know the Master caused an inordinate amount of trouble when he found out how to change the chemical balance in the water. He got up to so much mischief that the pool staff have asked us not to return. Why couldn't you just go swimming at home? There is a pool in the TARDIS somewhere, isn't there?
New post to follow with updates from the lab!

Venus Project Fundraiser--Fantastic or Fiasco?

This week, in another attempt to force the Master and I to get along, the Doctor paired us up for the Venus Project Fundraiser. This year's Fundraiser was cookie selling. I used this as an opportunity to raise awareness for the Project. The Master was surprisingly helpful, aiding me in loading cookies into crates for the customers. He used this activity as an opportunity to find out which buyers had the most money in their wallets, by "helpfully" assisting people to pay for their purchases. Many of these customers returned a short while later, rather angry at the mysterious disappearance of much of the contents in their wallets. Among these customers was a small girl of about twelve, who had nothing in her bag but a toonie and a library card. (Really, Master? What could you possibly achieve by stealing a ten-year-olds library membership?)
However, I must admit that we did raise more money this year than any past fundraiser has. Because of our sudden increase in funds, the Project has been extended for another six months instead of expiring in fifty-seven days as it was originally supposed to. (This--in addition to the fact that my wrist is almost healed--means we can, in fact, go to the Amazon, which the Doctor has been bugging me about for a few weeks now.)

More Stalking

I found this the other day as well, in a file called "the End of Time."
No idea what it's about or when it was taken,
but at the very end, it was signed "A".

...I wonder...

"Couples Bonding" with sophie.

The doctor tholught sophie and I needed to "bond" more so he sent us to couple's exercises. I got to do trust falls, a human custom I have always wanted to do. First you make someone trust you by catching them and then you let them fall. It's a hilarious game! Then I tried to strangle sophie as another trust game but it didn't work out. The group leader was a terible hippie-type woman who told be my aura was pink. Pink? I said. Is this because I'm gay? I then educated sophie on her ginger aurra. We played a game where i got to throw stuff at her. She asked me questions and didn't let me ask any. Here are some questions:

S: What attracts you to the doctor?
M: The hair.

M: Do you have fetish for jack's coat?
S: define fetish ;)

S: what would you do if the doctor died?
m: DON'T YOU DARE HURT HIM!!!!

M: Have you had sex with jack yet?
S: -she refused to tell me this. in human, this means yes-

S: What did the doctor say to convince you to let me onto the tardis
M: He didn't say anything, but he later promised to feed, and take you out for walks, and clean up after you, and that i'd hardly know she's there, and look, she can even do science a little bit!

S: Does the doctor like me better than you?
M: I HATE YOU!

It was fun.

"Couples Bonding" With the Master: Bringing us Closer, One Injury at a Time

In an effort to force us to get along, the Doctor decided to persuade the Master and I to go to a trust workshop. I realize now that I should have set it up myself rather than allow the Doctor to organize it. Little did I know that he would become confused and sign us up for a "Couples Therapy" Workshop, where we spent eighty minutes "learning to understand each other." We did such activities as trust falls, where the Master (surprisingly) caught me several times before allowing me to fall, saying, "It's trust falls, isn't it?" (I would like to mention here that I caught him every time.) Another activity involved putting our hands around one anothers throats. I was unable to let the Master do this (for obvious reasons) although he remained perfectly calm while I held his neck. I was mildly tempted to throttle him, but decided against it. We also participated in a game where we passed a ball back and forth while asking questions. While I tried to use the questions to get to know the Master better, he used the question to learn such things as, "What is your greatest weakness?" "Can you swim well?" and "Do you have any potentially fatal allergies?" He also asked some more personal questions, which I will not disclose. When I posed a question to the Master about why majority of his evil plots did not seem to work, he took a long pause, then threw the ball at my face, yelling, "I'm making progress, okay?!?!" I managed to deflect most of these blows. He also did this to the workshop leader when she politely asked how we were doing.
When I made a point that stumped him, he would take a moment to think before throwing the ball at my stomach, screaming, "I hate you!!" I was less successful in defending myself against these.
Overall, the day was only a partial success. Neither the Master nor I are any closer or more trusting, although I now know a little more than I'd like to about the relationship between the Master and the Doctor.
In one instance, I threw a ball that was too high for the Master to catch. I made a joke about my question having "flown over his head." In retaliation, he threw it at my stomach, shouting, "I hate you!" After having caught the ball and throwing it back, my foot mysteriously slipped out from beneath me, resulting in a spectacular fall. I suspect the Master had something to do with this.
I returned to the lab with a broken ankle, a sprained wrist and a very bruised stomach. The Master returned with a scraped forehead and a black eye. I believe such injury would have been preventable had the workshops leader not been scared away after telling the Master to stop muttering about "The occult of Nigel taking over and killing you all." The Master flipped out when she referred to me as his wife and threatened her with Time Lord babble, resulting in what I believe is permanent trauma for the poor woman.

HELLOOOOO!

Hello people! This is your lord and master, back from the creatacious period! I finally figured out why the dinosaurs went extinct! It's kind of a funny story. Ok, no, scratch that (Sophie I hope you're taking notes cause this is SKIENCE!) it's hilarious! It started with this fish, and then... ok, it it makes more sense in four dimensions. Doctor, can we "talk" about this later. (for the rather dim, by talk I mean have Time Lord sex.) I'm also applying for a new science project, making me the most proactive of our little trio. It's called Explorations of Venusian Mortality affects.  (for the rather dim, 101 different ways to kill people). And, I got funding! I am so hanawesome.

Back to Business

Since everyone was so preoccupied with the TARDIS-stalker, the argument between the Doctor and myself, the Doctor and Master's relationship, and the arrival of the Lava Shark and Jack, I've decided to bring us back to the original point: the terraformation of Venus. Right now we--sorry, I--am studying the adaptations that will have to be nurtured in the local life forms to allow both them and humans to live together harmoniously. Right now, we--er, I--have a Lava Shark in the lab and am running tests. (Thank you, Jack, for helping me move it.) I would like to encourage everyone to keep an eye out for Lava Snakes, as I will be needing some to study soon and they are quite common around here, although a nuisance to collect. They are rather difficult to spot, as they are lava-colored and have a similar motion pattern. I have set out a net in one of the larger lava-flow areas, but as Lava Snakes have excellent senses, I doubt I will catch any without help from others. (Hint hint!)
Well. Now you are up to date in the lab. Not much else is new, except for the Doctor's latest literary obsession with early 21st-century "chick-flick" style novels. The reason for which I have no idea. I'm less concerned about the cause and more concerned about the aftereffects, as the Master has recently become irritated that the Doctor is too busy with his books to pay attention to him and has instead been spending a lot of time in the lab trying to mess up my research. (The Master, not the Doctor.) So if you see him with a bunch of hairpins near my filing cabinets, stop him, because it means he's picking the lock. Again!