Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Listen up, folks, here comes the Feature Presentation

Alright, everyone, I know I'm wearing thin on your patience here, but we have a lot to cover before you can even think about me leaving you alone.

First and foremost, the location of your friends. Yes, yes, you like them a lot and don't want them to die, blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it. Suffice it to say, they are safely in orbit of a nearby planet and if our demands are not met within the next 27 hours, "other" Master and I will project them into space. We will, of course, be monitoring their location and there will still be a chance for you to get them back before we send them through the rift to drift endlessly through the void.

Top of the list is money. Don't pretend you haven't got any, I've been through your finances and I'm sure you can scrape together a few hundred thousand universal units. (Your Sophie is so organized, isn't she?) I know this will probably cancel your precious project and wipe out any funds you have as individuals, but isn't it worth it to get back your husband and your girlfriend?

OM and I agreed to ask for an island in the Caribbean, but I don't think that's possible. In lieu of an island, we are willing to accept this planet. Please contact the Intergalactic Space Tourism Association and inform them that Venus is no longer an option for their pathetic little campaigns. Then send the deed of rights to the planet to me.

Thirdly, Doctor. Your coat.
In our world, you are dead. You died for some useless world-saving reason, leaving the Master to fend for himself. He was captured by Torchwood (as was I, while trying to take down the Intergalactic Space Tourism Center from the inside). When we found ourselves in the holding cells below Cardiff, we teamed up to break out. All members of Torchwood were killed, including Jack (which is why I have your coat) and the organization ceased to exist. Now to add to my collection of trench coats, I want yours. Yes, I know Janis Joplin gave it to you and you really like it, but I don't care.

Fourth, and this one will be tough, OM demanded that I add you to our list of demands. I know this will be sad for you to leave your friends, but my Master is just as nice as yours, and you'll like me more once you get to know me. Maybe.
Besides, you'll get to keep your TARDIS, because it's next. Those wires I crossed? That twisted circuit? Well, if you don't hand over the TARDIS keys pretty soon, your beloved ship will fully self destruct.

Best of luck filling our order. I am in a safe place now, but OM is still around and he'll remind you if you forget.
Ta ta for now!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Running away in designer stilettos beats leaving your insurance

Doctor, you might want to check on the TARDIS soon. Who knows what happens when you press that big mauve button labeled DO NOT TOUCH in the basement, hmm? I do!
Not to mention the sparks that flew when I crossed the white wire with the purple one under the engine. By the way, the huge crack in the glass column was not on purpose. See, I was using the heel of my shoe (the tall black boots) to hold one of the spring loaded levers in place while I rewired the dashboard and the little gray dial spun a few of the green gears in the wrong direction when I wasn't looking. I was busy making sure the pistons on the other side of the console weren't sparking against the compressors and causing an explosion. You should be thanking me, really.
I reached over to turn them back, but I miscalculated the move and the lever sprung back. This, of course, caused the fragment links to jump and the TARDIS to fall out of sync with the vortex for a moment. (Your next ride might be a bit bumpy!) Anyways, when it hit the vortex again, it collided with itself at a previous point in the timestream which, as you very well know, immediately caused a paradox. (Sorry about that big burn on the outside; I did so love the blue paint.) To keep itself in existence, the ship briefly became a paradox machine. This essentially caused the TARDIS to bite a chunk out of itself, and all the lights to turn red and the whole ship shake. I managed to slam the lever back down before any further damage was sustained. After the wires were back in place (although they are now in a slightly different arrangement than they were before, the consequences of which you should find out quite soon!) I took the spring out of the lever. It slides out of place more often now, so you may have to tape put tape on it to keep it in position when you're flying.
Don't accuse me of not taking the blame--I'm sending you this, aren't I? Just like that custom of leaving a note with name and insurance when you've accidentally caused damage to a parked vehicle. Anyways, those were designer shoes. The damage caused to the heels will be hard to reverse. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to repair such rare Plutonian suede? Especially on stilettos as thin as those. They were in a very rare color, too!
Besides, I'm sure you'll have fun fixing the TARDIS; it should be quite a challenge! Enjoy!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Changes in people

You know, of late the Master and Sophie have been acting a bit strangely. It started about 5 days ago, and that was about when they returned from Christmas shopping. The Master returned wearing what looked like a dirtier version of my coat, and an actual suit! Sophie stopped her research, and has been closer to the Master lately. It must be the power of Christmas! I remember the first time I met old Saint Nick, he was a rather lovely person. It was me who gave him those Deinturans. They looked identical to reindeer at the time...

Anyways, when they returned, the Master looked completely stunned, and he rushed over and hugged me like he hadn't seen me in years. It was adorable, but Sophie seemed rather displeased. The Master has been much more calm and disciplined since, and always seems to have me in sight. I swear I won't look for your present! Jack hasn't been around much, I don't really know what's going on between him and Sophie at the moment though, so I haven't asked either of them yet. They seem to be avoiding each other.

Now I have to think about what to get everyone for the Holidays.