Alright, everyone, I know I'm wearing thin on your patience here, but we have a lot to cover before you can even think about me leaving you alone.
First and foremost, the location of your friends. Yes, yes, you like them a lot and don't want them to die, blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it. Suffice it to say, they are safely in orbit of a nearby planet and if our demands are not met within the next 27 hours, "other" Master and I will project them into space. We will, of course, be monitoring their location and there will still be a chance for you to get them back before we send them through the rift to drift endlessly through the void.
Top of the list is money. Don't pretend you haven't got any, I've been through your finances and I'm sure you can scrape together a few hundred thousand universal units. (Your Sophie is so organized, isn't she?) I know this will probably cancel your precious project and wipe out any funds you have as individuals, but isn't it worth it to get back your husband and your girlfriend?
OM and I agreed to ask for an island in the Caribbean, but I don't think that's possible. In lieu of an island, we are willing to accept this planet. Please contact the Intergalactic Space Tourism Association and inform them that Venus is no longer an option for their pathetic little campaigns. Then send the deed of rights to the planet to me.
Thirdly, Doctor. Your coat.
In our world, you are dead. You died for some useless world-saving reason, leaving the Master to fend for himself. He was captured by Torchwood (as was I, while trying to take down the Intergalactic Space Tourism Center from the inside). When we found ourselves in the holding cells below Cardiff, we teamed up to break out. All members of Torchwood were killed, including Jack (which is why I have your coat) and the organization ceased to exist. Now to add to my collection of trench coats, I want yours. Yes, I know Janis Joplin gave it to you and you really like it, but I don't care.
Fourth, and this one will be tough, OM demanded that I add you to our list of demands. I know this will be sad for you to leave your friends, but my Master is just as nice as yours, and you'll like me more once you get to know me. Maybe.
Besides, you'll get to keep your TARDIS, because it's next. Those wires I crossed? That twisted circuit? Well, if you don't hand over the TARDIS keys pretty soon, your beloved ship will fully self destruct.
Best of luck filling our order. I am in a safe place now, but OM is still around and he'll remind you if you forget.
Ta ta for now!
Your 27 hours are up. Don't worry, they have food and water and the hydraulics are designed so they won't run out of air. Still. Better hurry up if you want them back at all.
ReplyDeleteEh? Sorry, I was distracted by a lovely Christmas in the Maritimes where it, once again, did not snow. Now, a ransom? Now now, I'd say it's a brilliant effort, but I'm better at recognizing plans with holes than most.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, no. We don't have money. Its a common mistake most make when trying to blackmail or ransom note me. Ransome? Ransome-noting? Anyways, we kind of just get by, fake some notes on the fly, but we don't actually have anything on hand.
*flicks hand about*
Secondly. An island in this day and age wouldn't be likely, but take it back a few millenia, and you got yourself a deal.
Thirdly, not a chance. Not a chance in hell. This is my coat, and no one touches it. Except the Master when he's taking it off. *cough*
And, I'm terribly sorry, but I cannot be sold, at any cost. And though I may have agreed your Master is more desirable a few regenerations ago, I will forever stand by my violent, shabby, ungroomed, and terribly rude husband.
*clicks sonic screwdriver and waves it about the TARDIS* *TARDIS turns from red to black*
*intercom clicks on*
Master, you there? *Points SSC at intercom*
The ship you sent out was a... NC60-TFF2 Interpod, right? Well, the core of those pods are fuelled by Therusian fuel, which ignites on a certain frequency. They will then propel themselves towards the beacon. Which, for the less intelligent reading this, means they are coming back to our lovely little outlet, right here on Venus.
So. Now. You. You will get what you want. But it'll be delayed a bit. I'll provide you with a card that has around... mmm... say a million UUs and a nice island to go with it.
Of course, the island will be back about... several thousand years, making the money useless, but that's okay! I'm sure you'll make due just fine. Anyways, if you'll just stick around for the next few months, I'm sure we'll get along nicely. Okay?
What do you expect, Doctor? Temperatures at sea level are always warmer than in areas where the air denisty is lower.
ReplyDeleteI know you personally don't have money, Doctor, but the file for the Venus Project clearly states that someone in charge has a great deal of cash tucked away someplace.
As I said before, I am aware than an island is out of the question. In lieu of such, OM and I choose this planet instead.
You had better keep a close eye on that coat then.
Doctor, you seem to be under the misapprehension that we are "purchasing" these items from you. No. They are not being "bought", they are being taken.
Oh, you are clever, aren't you? Well, you're slightly off. It's a NC60-TFF6 Interpod, they are far more reliable. However, you are right about the Therusian fuel.
As long as you have no intentions of sending me and OM back to our universe, I'm fine.
I must say you are disappointingly clever, Doctor.
Well, miss Other Fletcher, I'll give you two choices.
ReplyDeleteOne, you can go live on a Carribean island with useless money, waiting out a peaceful existance for several decades before you die. I promise I'll visit every so often.
Or, two: you stay here with our little family, keep your fingers off the big red (and blue) buttons and help us with the experiments. Now, I'm perfectly aware a life of peaceful scientific research isn't what you hoped for, but, well... neither did I, really. But I love the small adventures that I do get and I'm fairly sure you'd cause a great deal more of them. (Plus you'd probably have more luck getting Sophie out of her lab)
So. Feel free to choose either. You won't find I'm an easy Time Lord to push about.
NO DOCTOR!!! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN OFFER THAT TO THEM. They uprooted our lives and KIDNAPPED SOPHIE (....and the Master) I refuse to let them hang around in the same building as us....or even planet! NONONONONONONONONONO...NO!
ReplyDeleteWell Jack, let me put it a way you would understand. Lets say you were stuck in a building with a nun and your rather striking boyfriend who refuses to put out before marriage. Now picture two extremely sexy hookers who are up for free get dumped in the building. Now, you can't leave the building, remember this. The hookers refuse to get along with your boyfriend and nun and start grinding on the walls, causing certain portions of your building to collapse.
ReplyDeleteWould you then kick out the hookers and give up your only chance at sex for the next few years or would give them a chance to make it up and stay and have a threesome? Think about it long and hard.
(This is not a subtle message that I want a threesome with both Masters. At all. None whatsoever.)
Wow Doctor.....I don't even know what to say to that. That is EXTREMELY not like you, choosing your own selfish gains (ew and with the master) over the feelings of everyone else. I am disgusted, absolutely disgusted.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes in fact I would kick out the hookers as they would be jeoperdising everyone elses safety and I don't go for the slutty over the top girls anyway....I go for everything else...
Oh, my!
ReplyDeleteDoctor, as much as I appreciate you attempting to make a metaphor that Jack will understand, did you really have to cook up such an outlandish scenario? I was under the impression Jack was dating Sophie, not Ianto. (No matter--both of them are dead were OM and I come from.)
In case you're wondering why OM hasn't posted at all, it's because he's been having some issues hacking the Master's account. For some unimaginable reason, he couldn't figure out that the password was "ilovethedoctorbtwimhanawesome".
Our decision is no. Instead of living the life of a paralyzed rat on a tiny island with no conceivably control or money, or sticking around with you and keeping my fingers of the red and blue buttons (You said nothing about mauve...Red's camp. Get your colors straight.) OM and I are leaving.
As you may have noticed, OM and I have confiscated your TARDIS again(you don't deserve it as much as we do--we have worked so hard to get here!)and are currently working on creating a Delta Wave strong enough to carry us across the universe, to another place where we will carry out our original plan. The TARDIS will survive--I fixed the twisted circuit--I don't know how you thought you were going to outsmart us, Doctor. In real life, the "good guys" never win. Don't think that makes OM and I the villains--what a harsh word! I prefer the term "mastermind". So much more accurate, you know.
Anyway, the Master and your Sophie should be back any time now. The Delta Wave might wipe out their ship before they get here, but maybe if you keep your fingers crossed we'll change the program a few degrees and leave them mostly intact. Sorry we won't be around to see their faces when they find out tha
... Find out tha-?
ReplyDeleteWhat? What just happened? Oh dear. (Sorry about the metaphor it just kind of... failed)
Does anybody want to tell me what exactly happened? And why the TARDIS is still here? Anybody? No? Well?
I cannot BELIEVE that WOMAN! I swear, if I ever see her again...I don't know what I'll do! Apparently their doomsday device went wrong, sucked them back into their own twisted universe, closing the rift behind them. Good Riddance! She's messed up all my research--this will set us back MONTHS! I'll have to send another request to the Intergalactic Tourism Association. ARG!
ReplyDeleteShe was right, though. SOMEBODY on the Venus Project has quite a bit of money. Own up. Who is it?
OHMIGOODNESSSOPHIEYOU'REBACKIMSOSORRYICOULDN'TSAVEYOUPLEASEFORGIVEMEANDDON'TBELEIVEANYTHINGTHATHORRIBLEWOMANTOLDYOUIMSOOOOSORRYANDIMJUSTSOHAPPYTOSEEYOUAGAIN!!!!!
ReplyDeleteUm. Hi Jack.
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I forgive you for the whole 'saving' thing, it ended up fine. Mostly the Master and I just played cards. (For. Almost. Two. Months.)
But...I don't know. Some of the things she said weren't very good...but they sounded like you. I don't know what to think.
Sophie I'm serious, she definitely made things up. I am very fond of you and would never say or do anything to hurt you.
ReplyDeleteI miss you, please stop avoiding my eye, how can I make it up to you?
...sophie?
ReplyDelete