Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas Back on Earth

Based on previous posts, one would expect that Christmas with the Doctor, Jack and the Master--even on ordinary earth--would be an extremely stressful and possibly life-threatening experience. Surprisingly, this year, everyone respected the spirit of the season and no one was killed (that I know of). Here's to wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, and may the new year be as fantastically adventurous (although hopefully much less dangerous!) than the last!

Friday, November 4, 2011

How I Survived Halloween

Incredibly, I am still alive. I haven't seen the Master for four days. I knew he was planning something extremely illegal and possibly life-threatening for Halloween, because honestly, what else would the Master do?
I won't go into details, (because he broke several intergalactic laws and the Doctor would surely be upset if I got his husband arrested) but I will tell you it involved a nail file, the mysteriously missing molotov cocktail, a snow blower, a teacup pig, and several events uncannily similar to an old Irish folktale.
The important thing is, I survived and haven't seen the Master since! I managed to lock him out of the building and barricade all entrances to the apartment. I must remember to thank the Doctor for thinking up that In Case of Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan. It has come in very useful.
I hope the Master didn't help him develop it, though, because then he would know how to use the emergency exit. (You may think it is stupid to have an emergency exit during a zombie apocalypse. But what if one of the other barricades falls through? Then you'll need an alternative method of escape!)
I'm probably just psyching myself out, but I swear I can hear a strange ticking-scratching sound coming from somewhere. It's probably nothing.
But just in case...
If I die, Jack, you gain rights to the apartment and all my stuff. As well as my science equipment (Doctor, you can take back all the future-science-y things you gave me. TimeWimey and all of that. Also you can have those shoes you liked. I swear, you have freakishly small feet. And they can totally pass for Man Shoes.)
It is very quiet in here now....too quiet. I can't even hear the sounds of the street outside, or the loud creaky elevator used by the other tenants. I'm sure the Master has something to do with this.
Come to think of it, I can't even hear the keyboard clicking. The Master must be standing outside with some sort of Noise Cancellation Ray or something equ

Sunday, October 30, 2011


I would like to start this post by apologizing. It has been difficult to update on the blog. The Master somehow managed to short circuit the entire building and my laptop has been running on reserve battery. I am typing this in the dead of night with all the lights off, pressing the keys excruciatingly slowly so that the Master will not hear me. He has become extremely bored and tiresome since we shut off access to the air ducts (the landlord was getting complaints from the other tenants)
Three days ago Jack went on a "business trip" to Torchwood One and took the Doctor along. I suspect they are there to convince TO to hire Jack--they still haven't caved.
For a brief time after Jack and the Doctor left, the Master was a lovely flatmate. He helped around the house and just yesterday gave me a killer french manicure (literally killer. I won't go into details.) I suspected it was part of some clever ruse, and now I am proved correct. Tonight, on the eve of Halloween, the Master has officially lost it. This surely must be what it is to live in a horror movie.
Oh, no. I can hear his footsteps. If I don't survive past this post, be warned. The Master is a highly dangerous individual, bearing uncanny resemblance to the late Prime Minister Harold Saxon and should not be approached. Ever. Even with caution.
It is a good thing he gave me that manicure--I may have to use it.
To Jack and the Doctor--if I am not here when you return, do not believe anything the Master tells you, no matter how un-suspicious it may seem. I will miss you both, I am sure.
The footsteps have stopped. It is impossible to defend myself against a completely silent, dark, and seemingly empty apartment. I cannot even use the Emergency Molotov Cocktail I whipped up, because it has mysteriously vanished--probably stolen by the Master.
I'm starting to feel a little freaked out now.
Master? You can stop the creepy Halloween act.
Jack? Doctor? You can come home now.

Friday, October 14, 2011

An Excuse

So sorry about my lack of activity, its just, well, this internet buisness,
Its a bit adicting, if you'll excuse the excuse.
That in combination with day-time Telly, well, I'm not sure I'll ever need to leave the house again.

Just joking. I've been spending most of my time chasing Nimons and Weavils about.
Jack, I'm sorry and I take it all back.
Weavils are the unsolvable problem. I'm sorry for the judgements.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Biding Time

Hello everyone, you may have noticed that I have not been on here for a while. I have been quite busy doing...well nothing as I do not have a job and can't cross my own time stream, therefore not able to go outside without wearing a sweltering disguise. Another reason though is the Master has finally stopped hogging the computer which he has been playing solitaire on for the last couple of weeks (he can't seem to figure out how to do anything else on it...) He now has moved on to a new fascination...the air vents. I mean really Master you are as bad as having mice in the walls.
Sophie has been doing a great job of keeping me calm when I get anxious and claustraphobic being trapped in this apartement (with the Master) but hopefully Torchwood One answers my letters very soon otherwise I just might go insane.

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Missing Crewmembers

Just a quick note to update you all. You may have noticed that Jack and the Doctor have not been on the blog since we landed. The Doctor is extremely excited, having landed a job in a childrens toy shop, and is constantly bringing home broken toys to try and fix with his sonic screwdriver, which makes him far too busy to post on the internet.
Jack is still not permitted to leave the apartment building, but he has written to Torchwood One, explaining the necessary details and applying for a job. In the meantime, he has been very helpful around the house. He is currently in the kitchen starting on dinner and packing a lunch for the Doctor. (I swear, it's like living with a regular family! The Doctor and the Master are like small children--the former, a six-year-old ecstatic at his first day of school. The latter, a younger child, jealous that he is too young (or in this case, too dangerous) for school. I guess that makes Jack and me the parents?)
Oh, dear. The Master seems to have gotten the cat lodged in the ventilation shafts again. I think he's trying to convert her into one of his little minions. Luckily, Marie is too clever for that.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Ventilation Obfuscation

Last night I awoke sometime around two or three in the morning to hear a horrifying sound. It was a cross between a dying chipmunk, someone trying to gnaw through sheet metal, and what the Master refers to as his "tricky noise". (read as: a muffled snicker he thinks the rest of us can't hear)
I got up to investigate this terrifying sound--armed with a small Molotov cocktail I happen to have saved for emergencies--prepared to deal with a serial killer or other horror-movie-esque intruder. What did I find? The Master, in an attempt find a way in and out of the flat without being seen, had crawled into one of the air ducts in the ceiling and gotten himself jammed inside it. I had to use a blow torch from the at-home lab to get him out. (Although I was tempted to leave him there until a more reasonable hour, or possibly several days)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Day 5

As you can see, today is Day 5 of Living with Anomalies of the Time Stream (LATS)
Today I was flipping through a cookbook trying to find a recipe for dinner when the Master popped up asking where I kept the explosives. When I told him we didn't have any, he demanded why not. I explained that most levels of explosives are illegal, or can only be purchased with a license. After a long and frustrating conversation, he discovered that I do, in fact, own a license for such explosives. He was very surprised, and after a moment or two of stunned silence he demanded I go out and acquire some. After another equally long and frustrating discussion, we reached the conclusion that I would buy one small explosive if he made dinner.
Suffice it to say, I came home to find that dinner was explosive.
The Master has officially been banned from the kitchen.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Note to self

Humans: what is thier deal? why do they look like time lords? must research. where can one acquire a human? must consult internet, source of all knowledge.

also: update notes re: threat assessment of kittens. they may be a greater danger than previously thought.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Hello Again!

Well, if you read this blog I assume you already know how we got back to London, Britain, Earth, Universe whatnot. Anyhow! We got back, went through irritation and are now at Sophie's flat. I really wish I'd memorized more phone numbers, because I really can't reach anyone useful. Oh well. Right now I'm taking advantage of the normal life to try it out, the life that is. The normal life. An ordinary life. Hahah, this is so fun! We started watching TV shows, and now we have movie nights! Its so brilliant.
Also right now I have a job as an ice cream truck driver. I was aiming for manager of the museum of London, but I got sidetracked and through a bit of an interesting adventure I got the previously mentioned job. Its a bit unfortunate though, having been trap- living on Venus for, well, I lost track of time really. Anyways, now that we're back its all kitten-this and nannerpuss-that, and oh is that a hobo eating a baby how very interesting humans are.

I do so love Earth, oh how I missed it.

Back to Earth....Literally

Hello everyone! Sorry we've been so long. Unfortunately have been removed from the Venus Project due to the Gender Bender problem. Also, it turns out I was supposed to be working on the Venus Project alone, so Jack, the Doctor and the Master were staying in the Venus Research Center illegally. (even though they were fully self-sustained by the TARDIS)
En route from Venus to London, the TARDIS accidentally landed in Nevada, USA. After a good few days of frightening the locals, US government officials arrived and we were promptly sent to Area 51 for ''documentation''. Once convinced that none of us were illegal immigrants, aliens, or in any way exceptional (a complete and total lie) they released us and sent us back to Britain. However, the TARDIS was held for research. When they discovered the TARDIS was impossible to break into, it was supposed to be shipped to my flat in London. Instead, it is somewhere in Canada, travelling unaccompanied. Thank you, US postal service.
Now we are all crammed into my two-bedroom flat. The Master and Doctor share one room (sleeping on the floor until we can get another bed) and Jack and I share the other. So far we have survived one day living like this. I cook, clean, and generally take care of the upkeep of the flat. Jack keeps giving me puppy dog eyes because I won't let him leave the apartment because he's crossed his own timestream and we can't risk him running into his past self, who is currently running Torchwood Three.
The Doctor is trying to realize his greatest dream: living an ordinary life. He wants to work in a shop. So far all his applications have been rejected due to lack of real references. He tries to help with the cooking and cleaning, but keeps getting distracted by loose light bulbs, dripping faucets and Mrs. Next Doors new kitten. He has also fallen in love with several soap operas.
The Master hasn't even tried to get a job, and is instead lounging around the house, basking in his unemployed glory.
I don't know how much longer I can survive this.


I'm on earth. FML.

:C  <-- this is what my face looks like right now. BECAUSE IM ON EARTH. There are humans everywhere.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Gender Bender

Hello everyone! Sorry for the long break there. Just after Valentines Day there was in the lab involving the Master and (not unexpectedly) a potential Weapon of Mass Destruction. Surprisingly, no one was injured...although I'm sure several egos have been bruised. The Master happened upon a Laser Beam DNA Extrapolator (I know the name may not make sense...there's a long complicated story behind it that involves the asymptote of the speed of light, the Pythagorean Theorem (multiplied to the power of XYN) and a back entrance to the Time Vortex). The Master somehow misinterpreted my "DO NOT TOUCH, MASTER THIS MEANS YOU!" sign on the vault in the lab, "accidentally" picked the fourteen locks and hacked into the DNA recognition system (designed to keep him OUT) and "just so happened" to find the Extrapolator. What it is designed to do is scan a life form, determine its DNA and calculate its origins and all available information about it without any physical contact. It is completely harmless to any creature but needs frequent testing (hence the Lava Shark--we know little about their species, so when it finally works, it will set multiple scientific breathroughs into motion with one discovery!)
The Master broke into the lab late at night, poked around in the settings for a bit, then set it off (really by accident this time). It stayed on until early this morning, when I heard the battery alarm beeping to be recharged.
We noticed its effects about a week ago, when everyone woke up as the opposite physical gender as they were when they went to sleep the night before. This has become extremely awkward, as the Doctor is very hormonal and confused, whereas the Master has entirely embraced this new change and has taken to dressing suggestively and acting in a promiscuous manner, claiming that he is merely "learning to use his feminine charms". Jack is mostly indifferent about his own new body, but is enjoying the perks that come with being female.
(Get your minds out of the gutter...Jack's new favorite store is Sephora.)
The Master is surprisingly small--even for a girl--and the Doctor is unusually tall. Somehow the Masters hair grew much longer, and looks as though it has been professionally styled. I don't know how this happened, seeing as the Doctors hair is only a few inches longer than it was before and is not very flattering (sorry, but there it is. Maybe with some gel or something it will look better.)
We'll continue to post on this unusual development soon. For now, we have some shopping to do. While I have three closets to choose from, its a little tough for three so different..."girls" to choose from my limited wardrobe.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Valentines on Venus

As most of you may know (depending on your species and culture) Monday the fourteenth of February was the ancient Earth tradition known as Saint Valentines Day, when it is traditional to show your appreciation towards loved ones.

Since all of us had been separated for so long, this Valentine's day was spent reconnecting and bonding to make up for missed time. Jack and I made up after our fight (induced by that--by Other Sophie.)
The Doctor and the Master spent the day out somewhere while Jack and I stayed in and cooked pasta over an old-fashioned bunsen burner in the lab.

To keep up the mood, I organized an office Match Maker using an Old-Earth computer program. The results arrived this morning and everyone opened their envelopes to find a most unusual combination of potential "matches". Jack somehow managed to be first on everyone's list, how I can't imagine. The Master and I are supposedly a perfect match, and the Doctor is apparently destined to be with the Lava Shark (who has successfully learned general English! S/he catches on quickly--although we haven't determined h/is/er gender yet...)
In conclusion, a Happy Valentines to you all, and to all a good night!